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Face Boobs and Severe Twin Violence (Week 12)

Face Boobs and Severe Twin Violence (Week 12)

parenting

5.13-5.19

Hello, hello, our readership that numbers more than Mom! (I know–WOW, right?)

Google Analytics is amazing, people. It pretty much is the only aspect of Big Brother that I  don’t mind. I feel like the great and powerful Oz; I can see who is anonymously reading what and from where and what kind of device and how long they’re reading what they’re reading and what kind of underwear they’re wearing while sitting and reading what they’re reading from where and what device.

Kidding.

Anyway.

Maybe I would do well among the Illuminati, after all . . .

KIDDING.

Anyway.

I pale in comparison to this HILARIOUS madre (woah Spanish!) who has some first-rate freakazoids landing on her page, but mention-worthy search terms that have gotten readers to this model of sagacity this week include the following:

  1. severe twin violence;
  2. bear claw cousin;
  3. little man has boobs on his face.
  4. And, okay, the normal one that makes me smile at all the smart, beautiful people: mica- and titanium dioxide-free mineral makeup. They just don’t know that, along with the purest of pure hand-crafted mineral makeup, they’re also getting a dose of, as one searcher prefers it, boobs for their faces, too.nice mom

Lists are nice, aren’t they? Nice like that swell individual wanting to know more about severe twin violence. Here’s a list of the lists I’ve got going below, just because I’ve been wanting to say that I have a list of lists for you:

  1. Rules on Momming
  2. Why My Infant Is Ready for Berkley
  3. Random Crap. And I Do Mean Crap.

Here are some rules about momming that I’ve learned through my momming adventure dating a whole 12ish weeks. Some are way specific to me and others are generalizable. Especially numbers 1, 8, and 14, right? All are invaluable and novel genius:

  1. HAVE YOUR DAMN “THE FIRST NOEL” RINGTONE ON AUDIBLE SO, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR ONLY IDENTICAL TWIN GOES INTO LABOR . . . YOU FREAKING GET THE PHONE.
  2. Pack clothes when you go on trips; it’s rather wise. Especially when you go on week-long trips to see your identical twin sister and her new little person. Pack clothes for yourself and your little person. Toothpaste is a wise idea, too. But hey, props to you if you remembered to put diapers in the suitcase. All is good when one remembers the art of crap handling.
  3. Thank God that your baby’s feeding system is attached to your body.
  4. When your infant weighs that of a small leprechaun and is a foot shy of dunking, figure out a new system to your holding him 24/7.
  5. If you have no regard for your previously straight back, go ahead and hold your super-sized infant all day. And night. And, oh: STOP COMPLAINING.
  6. When people say your baby is a mama’s boy, eat. it. up.
  7. When “mama’s boy” smiles at Mommy once a day and Daddy 34984 times a day . . . and shares his first little purposeful giggles with Daddy . . . eat. it. up.
  8. HAVE YOUR DAMN “THE FIRST NOEL” RINGTONE ON AUDIBLE SO, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR ONLY IDENTICAL TWIN GOES INTO LABOR . . . YOU FREAKING GET THE PHONE.
  9. Clean your baby’s neck. Or, you know. Perhaps you like blue cheese.
  10. Eat a lot of protein and organic oils if you want a lot of boob food. Especially if you’re guilty of forgetting everything on trips: This way your child doesn’t starve.
  11. Be kind or don’t speak at all. (That’s why I was silent when my mother-in-law called.)
  12. Call your _______ back. Life’s short.
  13. Co-sleeping/not vaccinating your child/advocating home birth/eating only organic/wearing only certain healthy makeup/being health-obsessed does not make you a three-headed bonobo. Don’t work too hard to convince people, though: Understand that people are set in their beliefs for a reason. Arguing can invigorate people–even give them endorphins similar to that of a runner’s high; they’re not about to quickly abandon their beliefs and acquiesce to yours.
  14. HAVE YOUR DAMN “THE FIRST NOEL” RINGTONE ON AUDIBLE SO, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR ONLY IDENTICAL TWIN GOES INTO LABOR . . . YOU FREAKING GET THE PHONE.

Here’s my list of why Little Man is currently pondering his college essays between his goo’s and ga’s. Little Man–

  1. has a head the size of small watermelon, packed full of synaptic connections;
  2. eats uber nutritious, brain-building boob milk every 9.3 minutes;
  3. cunningly systematically ensures that Big People handle his fecal matter;
  4. draws all kinds of ladies in with his smile;
  5. likes to scream and be naked and fart;
  6. likes to pee when naked;
  7. rubs his eyes, scratches certain locales, and sucks on boobs.

And finally, a list of Random Crap that’s flitted through my non-Berkley educated mind all week:

  1. I watched Kim Kardashian and couldn’t take my eyes off her butt. Does that concern anyone? Oh, you’d be concerned if I could take my eyes off her butt? Good. Good good; thanks.
  2. How does one best procure customer loyalty when the product is so epic, yes, but so epically large that the customer may not *need* to come back for, like, two years?
  3. I bought a swimsuit top for $2.14.
  4. I bought a baby diaper for the amount of my swimsuit . . . times 15.love
  5. My three-legged Chihuahua is missing a front leg for reasons unknown.
  6. My three-legged Chihuahua does not have a front leg to spare.
  7. My three-legged Chihuahua was limping on the front leg he does not have to spare
  8. My three-legged Chihuahua is spoiled rotten.
  9. And so I thought was the boob milk I had to express during  the night . . .
  10. And set on the dresser adjacent to and level with the bed in which Hobble sleeps . . .
  11. (Boobs can feel like weapons of bludgeoning power when full . . .)
  12. Boob milk was gone come morning.
  13. A small drop of white visible on his whiskers, Hobble was ready for a marathon on his three legs.
  14. I love life.
  15. I love you, Little Man.
  16. Life’s not easy.
  17. None of this is easy.
  18. But it’s worth it.
  19. One ought not flush the toilet when the septic backed up into the basement.

So, quick note to self before I challenge the Google searchers living in their mom’s basement with my own dose of ehh: HAVE YOUR DAMN “THE FIRST NOEL” RINGTONE ON AUDIBLE SO, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOUR ONLY IDENTICAL TWIN GOES INTO LABOR . . . YOU FREAKING GET THE PHONE.

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