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Yeah Nobody Told Me About This Crap (Week 13)

Yeah Nobody Told Me About This Crap (Week 13)


In effort to help other moms and the future mom-again in me (gulp/forehead smack/resigned sigh–not because of your perfection being absolutely unbeatable but because the natural labor is still so palpable in my mind, Little Man.), here are some things I believe that don’t get told to new moms, either out of ignorance, forgetfulness, or good manners. Or, perhaps out of my so-told lack of the latter, I simply don’t recall being told.

But first let me jot down some facts about this week, Little Man:

  • Your bowel movements have suddenly gone from an average of about 94082 a day to……………………………1.
  • You kick-kick-kick your legs and stick your tongue out at the baby in the mirror. Either you know that you’re amazingly cute and capable of cracking Mommy up . . . or you have a serious vendetta for babies as cute as you.
  • You’ve been a kicker since you came out of the womb, but now you’ve brought your arms into the mix. If only we could master the sit-up with some core strength, we’d officially be upright in our throne, king of the castle. Oh, who am I kidding. You’ve been king of the castle since you were the size of a pea.
  • We’re in onesies sized for nine-month-olds. Mommy’s pretty sure you’re going to be the tallest man to walk the planet. Which is pretty funny considering your daddy.
  • Both Mommy and Uncle thought the store where all sorts of baby goodies tempt parents to abandon their beliefs on the un-importance of materialism was “Bye-Bye” Baby. The store is not trying to get you to leave your tot there, though; rather, it’s trying to get parents to Buy Buy for their Baby. (They’re def. accomplishing their goal . . .)
  • It’s monsoon season in Missouri.
  • Hobby Lobby lost to you. AGAIN. I don’ t understand. You light up at exceptional things like Daddy and boobs, but you won’t have any bit of craft heaven.

On to a different set of bullet points falling under Yeah Nobody Told Me About This Crap:

  • Apparently it’s not Mom’s cue to run about the house looking for her cell when baby’s bowels switch up in her favor, from about 94082 a day to……………………………1: This can be a sign that Baby is simply getting a ‘grown-up’ digestive system and holding on to nutrients, not just expelling them. On this note, Baby might have a better understanding of how often and how much to eat (boob-fed babies. Not sure how counterparts work.), which might be a favor for your nips, too.
  • This COULD be reason to call Doc IF but not limited to the following: Baby’s not eating enough; Baby’s fussing at the boobage; Baby has something potentially interacting with his eating and/or elimination (e.g., thrush).
  • Boob-fed babies DO benefit from burping, contrary to what the nurse might have told you.
  • Baby grows waaaay fast. We’re talking Buy Onesies Out the Wazoo, but Way Too Big, As They’ll Be Way Too Small Tomorrow.
  • So don’t hesitate to THRIFT, and
  • don’t hesitate to ask your friends that had babes if they’d be oh-so gracious to let you borrow. The babe’s clothes–that is. Unless you’re a lot more Superwoman than me and capable of tending to multiple infants. (Go, moms of multiples. Go, my mom! How did you do it? What’s the secret? Did the 80′s mane oomf exist to conceal a halo?)
  • Teething? Can happen EARLY.
  • Teething begets slobber.
  • Teething begets Baby the name Cranker, don’t care how Happy Baby baby was.
  • Amber necklaces made with unpolished amber might work? Will let you know when my cortisol levels go down.
  • The issue of vaccinating can be a touchy subject in this day . . .
  • Not everybody finds it endearing how protective Mom can be with her, “Lift him higher!” and “OMG, put an effing blanket under his head!” and “Don’t put your finger in his mouth!” and . . . yeah. Protectiveness is adorable, right? Right?
  • Bathing Little Guy every day, especially with ‘normal’ soap, can be detrimental. Some soaps are full of parabens, sodium laureth and all that crap, and can deplete skin of natural oils. Also, with how much crap our skin absorbs, water filters in the shower, if not whole house, are a wise idea.
  • Mama’s or even long dog hairs can get wrapped around Baby’s little tosies and otherwise–be aware! This could result in an ER visit!
  • Diaper rash can be prevented by utilizing organic oils on Baby’s bum.
  • Baby massages can help regulate their stress levels (because, yes, little humans get stressed, too)
  • Even when babies are fresh and new, they’re starting to build associations: Make diaper changing a positive experience by chatting with your baby, singing, etc. (as with other potentially non-exciting events for Baby)
  • Just because babies spit up . . . does not mean something’s wrong.
  • Co-sleeping can be done safely and reap benefits.
  • Everybody thinks they’ve got the BEST advice for you.
  • You think you’ve got this down.
  • You think you’re failing.
  • Nobody’s done this perfectly.

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