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Things I Wish I Knew When I Knew It All. Bulleted.

Things I Wish I Knew When I Knew It All. Bulleted.
teens twins

Zeke or Fred: Who got written up first, that is the question

  • When the pockets are longer than the jean shorts, don’t buy them. For the love of God, don’t wear them. Especially not on the “date” with the guy who says he’s 19 but looks more like 29.
  • Your dad answering the boy’s knock with a shotgun? It’s because he cares. Really. And because Boy is, as the arrest article in the paper said, 29.
  • The girls who call you Barbie are not complimenting you. But your smile and “thank you” is the perfect reaction.
  • Your parents are just as new to the teenage you as you are. Cut them a little slack.
  • The white flour and sugar mush you just drowned in corn syrup and scarfed in 6.22 seconds? Enjoy without the threat of diabetic shock while it lasts.
teen and mom

Zeke emanates self-control

  • You could have earned a B. The earth would have kept spinning.
  • Second place was not the first loser. You could have accepted second. The earth would have kept spinning.

moms sports teen

  • That one time that one guy broke up with you? The earth did keep spinning. You did recover. Now his only six pack is in the fridge next to the living room in which he grows pot. I know—too bad he didn’t father your child.
  • Do cheer with your Vader voice if you want to cheer with your Vader voice. There are far worse things.

teen sports

  • Join speech club, even if the cheer squad calls it social suicide, if it’s really what you want to do, and find out how fun it is to read a truly sappy monologue as if you’re Darth Vader. Hey, nobody on that team is judging.
  • Stay away from the gym teacher.
  • Tell your parents about the gym teacher.
  • Go ahead: teepee the gym teacher’s house. It was worth the juvy visit.
  • Just because you can sort of drive a Gator and lawn mower does not mean you know how to drive a sports car on I-44.
  • Working to pay for totaled sports car? You’ll miss it later. The work, not the sports car. (Go ahead and thank God for your life, while you’re using a fifty to wipe that goo the baby at table 4 projectile vomited onto your name tag.)
teen job

Oompa Loompas get better tips. I knew that, clearly.

  • Taking your twin’s math tests will still make you laugh in ten years. Your parents might laugh about it by then, too.
  • Admitting that you snuck your now-husband into your bedroom every night the summer you were 17? Will not be funny to your dad even today.
  • So you were one of the last teens attending an American high school to get a cell phone? How did you survive?

family fun

  • Funerals happen. To 16- and 17-year-olds, too.
  • It’s okay to decide you might not understand much about much.
  • (Insert OMG no nuh uh she did not play tonsil hockey with my ex! or he called me what?! drama here) is a REAL BIG DEAL and the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE, absolutely. But one day you might laugh. And it might even be at that.
  • You’re going to marry the cutie you just broke up with.

teen date

  • The one you just kissed is going to make up a lie about you when you won’t sleep with him.
  • And then he’ll sleep with your best friend.
  • Being “the only virgin on the face of the planet” besides aforementioned cutie you just broke up with was a totally cool decision.
  • Those who go into detail about their STDs will reaffirm that.
  • You’ll have one heck of a great marriage,

happy mom

  • you still won’t be able to predict the future,
  • and life still won’t make complete sense,
  • but you’ll love
  • and be loved.

mommy and baby

  • And you’ll know that to be loved—not to have the perfect body or biggest Facebook following or best wardrobe—is all anybody really wants.
teen high school now mom

Zeke, Fred, when we had all the answers.

positive attitude teen

mom parenting

 Would you tell your former self any of the same? Let’s hear your shards of wisdom.

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  1. Such a great post.

    I’d tell my former self to never take anything or anyone for granted. Hug people. Make time for them. Tell them “I love you”, even if you just told them an hour ago and even if you’re mad at them. No matter how constant and invincible they may seem, no one lives forever.

  2. Big on the I love you’s here, too. It’s like in that one movie, Courageous, where the dude says I love you on the phone out of instinct, acidentally saying it to his boss. I’d say that’s a good thing–to be that used to saying I love you : )

  3. So it takes seven positives to out-do a negative (or something) . . . yet hearing I love you is sort of a positive that trumps any amount of negatives. Yay to that.

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