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Let’s Talk about Cervices

Let's Talk about Cervices

The sharer of my DNA never posts Facebook status, but she posted the below as her status, and I thought it best to post on this long-neglected cyber wasteland in order to temporarily bolster my perceived self-importance. I mean, who doesn’t want to know about my stubborn cervix? Nah–honestly, when women tell me their preggo and birth stories, I just want to grab their hands and sing that one song Bono sang about the world.  Surely that’s conjuring the song to your mind.

So here is a plagiarized snippet of K’s seven facts, and mine follow.

1.  From the time the hot tub started leaking out of me (water broke) to when little O was born, it was over 42 hours. When I got a fever, the midwife said it was time to go to the hospital. The hospital staff followed my birth plan well, although I’m not sure our doc had encountered too many natural births. Turns out hospitals don’t all experiment on you in basements: It was a decent experience, considering.

2.   I did it all without pain intervention; though after being dilated to a seven, I asked everybody I came into contact with–nevermind if he was pushing a broom–to CUT ME OPEN, CUT ME OPEN.

3.  I wanted to boobfeed (the baby. To clarify. Because that kinda sounded as if I want a tit to feed from.) because of the benefits to baby (obviously) and mom. Yeah–did you know that moms benefit from breastfeeding, too? Along with watching what you eat, your environment, outlook, what goes on your skin–e.g., some mineral makeup ingredients, along with many beauty products, are toxic and loaded with carcinogens–etc., the risk of cancer can potentially be lessened. But I had a couple meltdowns about the advent of a little person relying on my diet and body to sustain him.

4.  When I described contractions to Sister as the world’s largest magnets pulling my spine in opposite directions, she said, “That’s not what it felt like at all for me.” We did, however, both compare the pressure the baby places on the coccyx as “needing to shit a cinder block.”

5.  The most difficult I’m-dying part of the labor for me was having to stymie the desire to Shove Cinder Block Out. For almost four hours I wanted to push, but apparently the cervix is of value and you don’t want to risk busting it. Stupid cervix.

6.  When little O popped out, he didn’t waste any time: Straight for the tit. And my fears of bonding and breastfeeding? Completely gone that instant.

7.  Little Man was born at 4:34 AM, my time of day. My beautiful, talented, comedian cousin had recommended The Happiest Baby on the Block, and even though I know I’d have been a good parent without, it definitely helped Little Man feel secure, responded to, cared for, and sleep through many a 4:34 AM thereafter.

Also, this is what the roads looked like four days after O’s delivery,


and the laboring done at home had been done without electricity because the power lines toppled over.

Now tell me about the person your uterus produced, would you? Was your pregnancy easy as pi, or did you just eat a lot of it? How about the life-changing event of heaving a person from your body–that was easy for you, right?


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