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Cheerleaders Can Be SO MEAN (Week 11)

Cheerleaders Can Be SO MEAN (Week 11)

parenting5.6.13-5.12.13

ZEKE: But don’t you usually reserve the “To: Little Man, Love: Mommy” section to writing to Little Man?mom

FRED: Yes. But I need some perspective here.

ZEKE: Go to the freezer.

FRED: No, not ice cream. I need perspective from my twink. And I need you to be like you were that one time when we were seniors, in cheerleading, and the little underclassman said–

ZEKE: Stop right there. I’m perfectly pissed and ready. Let’s go.

FRED: Do you have your fists up? I’m imagining you on the other line with your fists up.

ZEKE: Did I have my fists up when that little underclassman said–

FRED: Yes.

ZEKE: I did? Really?mom parenting

FRED: Yes.

ZEKE: Wow, I’m mean!

FRED: Yup. So, Mean Twin, I’m feeling blue.

ZEKE: Awwwah! Don’t be blue, sis; look at everything you have to be thankful for! Life’s so wonderful. Life’s so beautiful. Look outside at the–

FRED: Dude. Too nice. Way too nice. You’re supposed to be laying it on mean like the time that little underclassman said–

ZEKE: OH. Right. Okay. Here we go. (Clears throat.) WHY THE EFF ARE YOU BLUE, BIATCH?

FRED: Well, it’s difficult to pinpoint.

ZEKE: PIN IT THE EFF DOWN! (Voice drops to a whisper) Was that mean enough? That was mean, right?

FRED: That was, uh–yeah. That was good and mean. Keep with that.

ZEKE: (Sweet whisper through a smile ensues) Okay I will. (Throat cleared; Fred about goes deaf when the words reach her ears–) I ASKED WHY THE EFF YOU’RE BLUE? SPECIFICALLY?

FRED: Good gah. Okay. I’m feeling blue because I slept weird hours. Like, my circadian rhythms are all out of whack and I–

ZEKE: STOP TRYING TO SOUND SMART. SO YOU SLEPT. LET’S STOP THERE: YOU SLEPT. THINK ABOUT ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T SLEEPING BECAUSE THEY’RE SADDLED WITH LOSS OR BUSY BEING TORTURED. THINK ABOUT THEM NOT SLEEPING AT ALL AND TELL ME YOU’RE BLUE BECAUSE YOU SLEPT. (Quiet little voice returns) How was that? Good–we still good?

FRED: I think I just pissed myself.

ZEKE: Oh, goody! That was fun; let’s keep going!

FRED:

FRED:

FRED: O-o-kay. Let’s. So, I’m feeling blue maybe because I didn’t get to spend much time with my hubby and–

ZEKE: YOUR HUBBY?

FRED: Yes . . .

ZEKE: YOUR HUBBY?

FRED: Uh, yeah . . .

ZEKE: YOUR HUBBY?

FRED: Dude, c’mon.

ZEKE: THE GUY WHO BUYS YOU ROSES WHEN YOU’RE A BITCH? THE GUY WHO LEAVES YOU NOTES IN YOUR BAGS, WHO BRINGS YOUR ART SUPPLIES TO 8 AM COLLEGE CLASSES WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE ON CAMPUS TILL 2 AND HE DIDN’T SLEEP BECAUSE HE WORKED NIGHT SHIFT BUT BY GAWD YOU NEED YOUR DAMN PENCILS AND SHADERS? THE GUY WHO BRINGS YOU ICE CREAM WITHOUT YOUR HAVING TO PULL OUT THE PMS-ING OR I’M-PREGGO CARD? THAT THE GUY? HUH? IS IT?

FRED: Yes . . .

ZEKE: SO SORRY YOU FOUND THAT GUY TO HAVE THAT GUY TO NOT HAVE GOTTEN ENOUGH TIME WITH IN ONE SINGLE DAY OF THE LIFETIME YOU’VE COMMITTED TO EACH OTHER. SO SAD. SO SO SAD.

FRED: Wow, man, you’re really good at this.

ZEKE, in sweet cheer captain voice, probably doing a scissor kick upon the appraisal: Oh yay good thanks this is fun!

FRED: So I’m feeling a little blue as I stare at Little Man and think how much I love him–

ZEKE: WTF?

FRED: Let me finish. I’m blue because I love him so much and it makes me feel that I have so much to lose.

ZEKE: YOU DO.

FRED: Dude. That doesn’t help.

ZEKE: YOU HAVE SO EFFING MUCH TO LOOSE. WHICH MEANS YOU’RE SO EFFING FORTUNATE. SHUT UP AND BE BLUE ABOUT SOMETHING MORE LEGIT.

FRED: How can I shut up and talk at the same time?

ZEKE: SHUT UP WITH THE STUPID. WHICH IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU.

FRED: Gee, thanks . . .

ZEKE: NO PROBLEM. NOW WHAT ARE YOU DEPRESSED ABOUT?

FRED: I didn’t say I was depressed, I’m just feeling a little–

ZEKE: A LITTLE PANSY ASS.

FRED:

FRED:

FRED: So I’m a little blue–

ZEKE: DEPRESSED

FRED: Blue

ZEKE: DEPRESSED

FRED: OMG. I’m a little bummed about my having tried to replicate a blush recipe in a much bigger batch, getting my math wrong, and wasting a bunch of expensive ingredients on what turned out to be a gray blush. GRAY. Gross. Who’s going to wear gray blush?

ZEKE: SAVE IT FOR HALLOWEEN. ZOMBIE SLUTS.

FRED: Zombie sluts?

ZEKE: SAID IT.

FRED: But what about all the days of the year that aren’t Halloween? What will I do with gray blush?

ZEKE: SOME PEOPLE ARE COLOR BLIND.

FRED: That was insensitive.

ZEKE: I’M INSENSITIVE. (Mousey voice takes over) Aren’t I supposed to be insensitive here? Oh my gosh. Oh my goodness. That was awful; I’m so awful!

FRED: No, no, you’re doing great with the insensitive–it’s really helping me!

ZEKE: Really? It is? You mean it?

FRED: Yes. Please keep at.

ZEKE: K! K! Turning the mean back on! If I can . . .

FRED: Remember when that little underclassman said–

ZEKE: WHY THE EFF ELSE ARE YOU DEPRESSED, PANSY ASS?

FRED:

FRED: Wow. Um. Well, I–

ZEKE: Oh, yay, Husband just brought Dairy Queen home–gotta go love you bye be happy smile smile smile life’s so great! Oh, and watch this video I send you!

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